Toolkit for parents and carers of pre-teens

Know them:

How will you know something is wrong or worrying your child if you don’t know what normal is? Look at the quick questions below and if you don’t know the answers try and find out!

• Who is their best friend?
• Where is their favourite seat in the house?
• Bath or shower?
• What food do they crave when they are tired?
• Favourite Influencer/artist?
• What subject at school do they most enjoy?
• Favourite smell?
• What career do they think they will be suited to?
• What time at night do they generally fall asleep?

Nurture them:

We know you love your child. It’s human nature that we all need to feel that we are loved and looked after and it’s what helps our young people to thrive. Take every opportunity to show and tell them.

When they are prickly, they may not want to hear the words but show them anyway. Look at the homework they show you, pay attention when they ask for help. Make them a nice hot chocolate or grab an ice lolly out of a freezer when they want to speak to you about something.

If they’re experiencing stress or going through a tricky period something as simple as opening their window for them can make all the difference. If you’re working or busy and feel like passing ships in the night leave a little note on their bed when they get home to let them know you love them, or a chocolate bar, or a face mask. Make their favourite dinner or clean their shoes for them, gestures and actions are as important as the words you use.

Praise them:

Something that I’m sure was at the forefront of most of our minds when our children were toddlers, and they used the potty for the first time!

Praise is equally as important now as it was then. I’m sure we can all remember a time when our parents said something sarcastic to us when we were young after we had tried. Things like ‘oh you’ve decided to join us at the table tonight, have you?’ or ‘it’s nice to finally see you without that phone in front of your face’. Here we’re almost giving back handed praise. We’re acknowledging that they’re doing something nice, but it’s almost being phrased as a punishment.

Think about ways you can praise without using sarcasm. We all like to be told we’ve done something well, its beneficial to our confidence and self esteem.

Give them the gift of time:

We are all busy, sometimes during the week it feels as if with work/school and other commitments we struggle to find time to really be available to our children.

It is a parent’s job to find this time.

Even sitting on the sofa together watching a TV show eating a microwave meal counts. Try and show them how important they are and that you value talking to them more than flicking through your phone, really be present if they are talking to you.

If they are looking at their phone ask them to share their current favourite TikTok dance with you, or the current funny meme about something. Don’t dismiss it, if you don’t get it – ask!

It may feel like there is never a good time to have any difficult talks with your young person but try and start the conversation when you aren’t feeling too emotional so you can calmly explain your concerns. Conversations when you are busy doing something else (but nothing important!) can be helpful so they don’t feel so embarrassed or pressured. Also remember your young person is always learning by observation if you can role model to them that you can stay calm during a tricky conversation, the more likely they will also stay calm in this situation.

Role model

Your children are always watching you. If you don’t want them to be smokers, don’t smoke. If you don’t want them on social media 24 hours a day then you can’t be. Want them to eat 5 fruit and veg a day – start eating your greens.

YouTube have an old but great clip about how children really do copy their parents. Your attitudes, language and lifestyle are the first influences your child is exposed to, try, and make them positive ones.

Let them see how you react to stressful situations and difficult times; this will give them the tools to use when they face challenges.

Model that self-care, let them see you planning down time into your day and prioritizing them and yourself over outside pressures.

Listen to them:

Actively listen, don’t be formatting your reply to what you think is being said, take the time to stop and really hear what is being said. The aim is to understand rather than reply and for your child to feel heard and validated and therefore more inspired to seek their own solutions. This is about anything they may tell you.

An example would be they might tell you their friend is being a bully or someone in their class drank alcohol at the weekend. It would be easy at this point to go ‘oh my goodness, that’s awful, what must their parents think’. However, try and remember that by using this judgemental language about their peers might make them be less likely to talk to you in the future if a similar situation happened to them, as they might fear that judgement themselves.

If they do want to talk about things, make sure you listen to them. Even if what your young person has to say makes you feel uncomfortable or even disappointed, it’s important that they know they can say it to you. Reacting negatively is likely to make them cautious about being honest, so take them seriously and help them feel they can disclose things if they need to.

Young people want to feel they’re being listened to, not being told, so going in hard and laying down the law is unlikely to ever lead to an honest response. You’re much more likely to get through to them if you try to start a dialogue.

Respect them: 

As your children grow, they will need some privacy in their lives, and this indicates a greater drive for independence. Privacy and trust go together with keeping your child safe while developing their autonomy. This can be hard to judge at times but try to respect their needs, would you want them sitting in on your conversations with your closest friends or looking through your phone?

Rules around privacy are different in everyone’s families and some are in place for safety. Researchers who have studied respect have found that not only do our pre-teens very clearly know when they are or are not being respected, but their behaviour can be shaped by these experiences.

For many respect is a powerful determinant for whether they will engage in productive behaviours or destructive behaviours. If no one cares whether they, do it or not why not do it anyway?
Try to start from a position where you understand and can show that you have understood. You may not agree but listening shows respect for their point of view.

Try to encourage and invite discussion, without it sounding as though you are laying down yet more rules.

Try to use sentences that begin with things like ‘Have you thought about …’ ‘I wonder if…’ ‘Would it be a good idea if we…’.

Showing your young person how to negotiate, present their point of view respectfully and come to an agreement is a vital life skill.
Don’t miss the opportunity to teach them how to do this at home. Look at compromises so that you both come away from the conversation feeling listened to and respected.

Be aware of the language you use, try and find appropriate words to describe how you are feeling. Are you frustrated, annoyed, stressed, unhappy, irritated, wound up or let down? It can be much easier to explain how you feel if you can use the right words.

Be there again and again and again for them:

Be consistent. It’s a myth that you just need to have one ‘big talk’ with your child when it comes to difficult conversations.

Helping them to feel that their thoughts and actions are not a taboo subject – that they can bring them up without it being a big deal can be a great comfort. It also helps them to feel they have someone to turn to if they do get stuck. This doesn’t mean awkwardly shoehorning the topic into your conversations, but simply checking in from time to time and letting them know they don’t need to be embarrassed if they do want to talk. Speak to them then and there about what has happened and don’t put it
off – the opportunity may not arise again. Remind them that you are here to listen to and support them.

There’s every chance they’ll find this conversation awkward or unpleasant, (as will you). But knowing you’re there to help if they need it can be a big comfort if they decide they do need it. Besides, any information or advice you’re able to give can make all the difference when it comes to them making good decisions in the future.

Try not to take things too personally; it may not be you they are angry with at all.

Biology and puberty

So, let’s look at bodies, you may not want to hear some of this but if it’s not happening now it’s about to!

You are going to start to see a steady increase in this large muscle development and weight gain and therefore an increase in strength. You are going to be seeing growth spurts, this generally starts earlier for girls, but it lasts longer for boys who often then end up taller.

Body proportions change, so females tend to widen at the hips and boys across the chest and shoulders, up until now both sexes have looked similar, but this may now change, they may complain of joint pain, these growing pains are real, things are happening quickly in their bodies. You are going to see very active children with a lot of energy, they can’t seem to sit still.

The things your child may not like are that hair is going to start to grow, they will look more like adults than little children when this starts to develop. Under arm hair will go alongside body odour and that awareness that they might like to start using deodorant on a regular basis. Skin becomes oilier and spots will start
to appear, for some this may be next to nothing and hardly worth noting, others will experience bad acne or body shaming and sometimes this can lead to a drop in self-esteem and confidence. We’ll come back to this later in the Tool Kit.

In females we will see breasts developing and menstrual cycles starting and in males we will see voices start to deepen, sperm is now produced and so erections ejaculation and wet dreams are more frequent. Can you imagine or remember how scary this can seem, their bodies change so quickly, and they are expected to accept and adapt and just get on with it, it’s a part of life.

Well, yes it is a part of life but sometimes as adults we struggle
with things that are a part of life and hopefully we know where to ask for help and support so it’s important that children and young people are able to air their worries and concerns and get the help and support that they need, which is where you come in! Take your worries right back to the 8 diamonds act on them.

Anger and difficult emotions 

Anger is an important, natural and often useful emotion.

Anger helps us to motivate change, anger has been important in our survival, in keeping us safe and is so important in our fight or flight response when we are exposed. 

Anger, in itself is not a negative emotion. However, how anger is expressed can make it seem like a negative emotion, for example if violence is used as a way of expressing this emotion to a threat.

Anger can often be expressed in ‘outward’ or ‘inward’ ways:

Sometimes it is thought that inward expressions of anger are much less worrying than outward expressions, but often that isn’t the case. If young people learn to inwardly express their anger, they will continue to adopt this approach into adulthood, learning that anger shouldn’t be expressed and instead be taken out on themselves. But equally, we don’t want to teach them that physical violence is the answer to expressing anger. Let’s instead help them learn healthy ways to express their anger:

Examples of healthy outward expressions of anger

Body movement
(exercise, shaking limbs, walking, dancing or stretching)
Singing along to loud music

Instead try to

• Say healthier eating

• Exercise for strength

• Acknowledge when they say they are full

• Be in the photo!

• To let them choose foods they enjoy and have discussions about them

• Eat a full variety of different foods

• Praise your child on their inner attributes

• Take every opportunity to open a conversation

Bullying

Bullying is when “one person, or a group of people deliberately hurts another person (emotionally or physically), usually more than once”.

Bullying is often very hidden; your young person may feel shame and not want to approach you directly with what they have been experiencing.

But there are some signs that you can look out for, that might suggest your child may be being bullied:

• Change in behaviour such as becoming more withdrawn and quieter.
• Appearing scared such as to go to School or out with friends.
• Unexplained frequent illnesses this could be an excuse to get out of going to School or they could actually feel physically unwell due to the anxiety of having to go into School.
• Disturbed sleep they might be struggling to get off to sleep due to feelings or worry or anxiety.
• Appearing anxious whilst online, or not wanting to go online this could be a sign that they are experiencing cyber bullying. 
• Poor School performance the bullying may be impacting on their concentration in class.
• Significant emotional changes for example being tearful easily or lashing out in anger.
• Missing or damaged possessions that often they are unable to explain or put it down to a peer ‘joking around’.

Instead try to

• Speak to your child in a neutral environment, like the car, about your worries
• Start gently by telling them what you’ve noticed. You could say ‘I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself recently’ or ‘I’ve noticed you don’t seem very happy coming home from School’
• Ask them gentle questions to find out the facts about how long the bullying has been going on, and what it looks like
• Ask your child what they want to do about it, or what help they want from you
• Ask your child if they want School to know, how they would like School to know and how much they want School to know.
• Reassure them that there is no justification for bullying and what they’re going through is not okay
• Remind them of features they can use to make their online experience more positive such as blocking or muting the bully 

Power and control wheel

Exploitation – the main worries

Although the types of exploitation and the language we use can change, the basic premise stays the same.

An adult targeting a child and abusing their power for their own needs. Whether it is sexual exploitation, labour exploitation or criminal exploitation and county lines children should never be blamed for the abuse they experience.

The child’s behaviour and response is not the crime. Child Exploitation is the crime.

When a child or young person is exploited, they’re groomed by being given things, like gifts, drugs, money, status and affection.

This is usually in exchange for carrying out a criminal activity, or performing sexual activities, known as Child Sexual Exploitatin.

Abusive relationship stage

• Becomes an ’unloving’ sexual relationship
• Withdrawal of love and friendship
• Reinforcing dependency on them – stating young person is ‘damaged goods’
  Isolation from family and friends
• Trickery and manipulation – ‘you owe me’
• Threatening behaviour
• Physical violence
• Sexual assaults
• Making them have sex with other people
• Giving them drugs
• Playing on the young person’s feeling of guilt, shame and fear

React

• Be open about your worries and what you are seeing, you are not expected to have all the answers. If you ‘feel’ that something is wrong, then you are probably right and you need to act on it. A simple conversation may make things clearer. Try not to take things too personally; it may not be you they are angry with at all.
• Listen. You may not like what you hear but it is important to really hear what your child is telling you. Try not to react as this may be the only time, they tell you something, if you respond negatively it gives them the message that you are not a safe person to share things with.
• Tell them that they’ve done the right thing by sharing with you and that it is not their fault.
• You may not need to fix anything immediately. Put the kettle on, grab both of you a biscuit and start unpicking what you have been told. Make sure that your child knows that you are taking this seriously but that you are not about to confront the gang/ abuser and will include them in all next steps.
  What does your child want to happen? We don’t want to make life any harder for them. Be child led as much as you can.
  There are obviously times when you must fully take on the adult role and act, but your child needs to feel that they have a voice in this. Other people are taking their power away, don’t do this too.
• Report/Research Contact the police on 999 if you need an immediate response or 101 if not urgent – they will also signpost to support in your local area. Consider reporting to the safeguarding lead at your child’s school.

Radicalisation

This is when someone starts to believe or support extreme views, and in some cases, then participates in terrorist groups or acts. It can be motivated by a range of factors, including ideologies, religious beliefs, political beliefs and prejudices against particular groups of people.

People may be radicalised in many ways, and over different time frames from as little as a few days or hours, or it may take several years.

Anyone can be radicalised, but factors such as being easily influenced and impressionable make children and young people particularly vulnerable.

There’s a chance that your child may meet people online or visit websites that could lead them to adopting extreme views or experiencing radicalisation.

Curiosity could lead your child to seek out these people, or they could groom your child. They could then encourage your child to adopt beliefs or persuade them to join groups with extreme views and actions. The signs are like any kind of online grooming and things to look out for include:

• Becoming more secretive, especially around internet use.
• Spending increasing amounts of time communicating with friends they have met online.
• Becoming isolated from family and friends.
• Developing a fixation on a particular subject.
• Expressing intolerance or hatred of other people or communities.
• Changing appearance to reflect association with a group or cause.
• Expressing thoughts about harming or using violence towards others.

If your child becomes radicalised it can endanger their safety and welfare, and the safety and welfare of those around them. By intervening early, you can ensure that they receive support to keep them safe, preventing them from further radicalisation. Back to have the conversation early, use the Diamonds.

If you suspect that someone is about to put themselves in danger by travelling to join a terrorist organisation or appears involved in plans to commit a criminal offence, please inform the police immediately by calling 999.

You can find out more about helping identify and prevent radicalisation on Safer Devon website. Or by clicking on https://www.internetmatters.org/.

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) investigate cases of grooming on the Internet and sex abuse and incidents can be reported by clicking the red button on the top right hand corner of their website https://www.ceop.police.uk/ safety-centre

Our Family Contract

We need to spend more time

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Once a week, the family promises to

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

At dinner we will

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

At dinner we won’t

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Every weekend, we will try to

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

After school, we should spend some time

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Our family game night will be on

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Once a week, we would like to eat

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

or

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Before we go to bed, we should always

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

We can use technology for ………………………………….. a day.

We want to try to bring the following ideas into our family:

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Signed ………………………………….  Date …………………………………